I'm writing this because I hope this makes me feel better. I've done fine but not excelent in any aspect of my life. I'm 180cm - the medium height. I'm not ugly but I'm not beutiful either. I'm not struggling but I'm not striving in life. My mind is in constant melancholy. I have a girlfriend who I love more than anything in the world but have hurt as well. I feel like an asshole boyfriend. I got exposed to pornography at an early age so I feel like that impacts how I perceive relationships and desires and lust is eating at my mind everyday. I feel like most of my problems have been created by emotions rather than strategical aspects of life. I also have diagnosed OCD which is playing with my mind every day. I try to stay away from medication and drugs. I've done my fair share of drugs and pill abuse, which definetly adds to the problem. I started smoking weed at a fairly young age. I thought it was cool and it genuinely was something I enjoyed. Recently I got out of the hell hole called army. I decided to try and reminisce about the past and try smoking weed seeing if I enjoyed it. I smoked straight for a week and it felt like it doug me deeper undergound. I used to enjoy life when life had little value to me. My girlfriend means so much to me. I don't want to leave her alone. The world is rigged from everyone trying to make us how they need us. I hate people telling me how to feel. Let things that work for me work. I'll understand if something doesn't work for me. Even thought I'm surrounded by people who understand me I feel like I don't have people that understand me in the way that I need to be understood. Even if I laugh or enjoy the time I just feel alone. Drugs make me feel different and it helps just altering perception from time to time may it be weed, alchohol or pills. Pills are another hole that has been doug deep. It started with simple anti-depresants that got percribed to me because of my anxiety and OCD, which later turned into me abusing them and thus hurting my relationships a bit more. I didn't feel weird but I understood how weird I had actend only when my girlfriend took the initiative to force me off the pills. Sometimes I get a sense of genuine happiness in little things in life like the sun shineing or a little chat with my neighbours (just as example). Nostalgia is another aspect of life which is hard to explain. It feels like everything used to be better. It probably was not but nostalgia works in a weird way. I used to enjoy videogames a lot. Now I feel like most of them are a complete waste of time. Videogames make me feel like I've just put life on pause and am just wasting time. Everytime I turn on a game I think about how many other fun things I could be doing in real life or what other goals I could be achieving. I like skating but I have no friends to skate with. I like going for walks but the weather has been completely shit. Finding a job is harder than ever. What's even harder is finding a job I don't absolutely hate. I would say I hate working but there are definely tasks or activities I like doing like wood working or creating music as hobbies. In music I'm a jack of all trades - I play the piano, guitar, bass, sing a little bit but I don't excel in any of them. I can create something with everything but I don't feel content with it. I feel like the world is in a very bad shape. Everyone is on their phones. I'm anti-mainstream social media. I don't have any apps on my phone and I rarely check them on my PC. Everyone is so indoors now. When you go outside life feels like it's dead and like it's all play pretend. There is this quote that I really like "ambition without action becomes anxiety" which resembles with me. I have countless ambitions and interest to the point where I don't know what to do. My mind is in multiple places at the same time. I would be a bad writer because I feel like things I write are conveying the emotion but not an idea and it's very all over the place. If you can piece this together I congratulate you because even I can't piece things I say together a lot of the time. I feel very mentally challenges but that feels fraund upon because of attention seeking. I don't want to be counted among people like that. The truth of life is different for everyone. Maybe I am a person who subconsciously seeks attention. My parents were away a lot when I was young. I do feel better after writing all of this. Thank you life and thank you God. Make it exist first, make it good later. I am just museum of everything I've loved. The only way out is in.